I didn’t know what to title this post so I decided to leave it untitled. It’s unedited and very honest.
When a guy has rejected me in some way, I start to want him more than ever. I want to know what happened. I have so many questions. Did I do something? Is he talking to someone else? Was the sex bad with me? Did he find out something he didn’t like about my past? Was he bored with me? Did I text him too much? I could go on all day with the questions…
Was is it about me that makes crave men who don’t crave me back? Maybe it’s the attention that I miss. I’m accustomed to getting a lot of attention from men. So when I’m in a situation where I’m not getting that, I honestly don’t know how to accept that. Why is that?
I’m finding it harder and harder to accept rejection these days. When I’m having a rough time in other aspects of my life, I look to my love life to provide me with that self esteem boost that I need. What I’ve come to learn about myself is that I look to men for validation. Even though I know how beautiful and sexy I am, if a man isn’t telling me those things, I start to forget. How is it possible for me to know how amazing I am and still have such low self esteem sometimes?
I feel uncomfortable as I write this because it is painfully honest. I’ve accepted a lot of things from men that I know I shouldn’t have. The attention feels good at the moment…but I always pay for later. I’m always an emotional wreck a day later…weeks later…months later…years later. I think rejection from men sticks with me because I idealize these men. I build them up in my mind as these amazing men, despite who they really are. I take the little nice things that these men may do and turn them into great things that I think about whenever they do me wrong. Like, “he’s ignored all my calls and texts this week but he spent the whole day with me last week.” Sadly this is often my thought process. For some reason I can’t accept that I may have been wrong about a guy and then move on. I push it and push it and push it and try and try until it’s not even fun anymore…until it’s more of a painful chore than anything else.
It’s hard to admit these things, let alone post them here. But I think it’s a necessary step in moving forward and developing healthy relationships. It sure does suck though… : \
I think I’ve come to a point where I kinda want to start seriously dating again (you can’t have casual sex forever, right?) But where do you start after being with the same person for 3+ years? How do give your best effort to a new thing/situation/relationship when you’re as neurotic as I am? For me, it’s difficult to show how much I’m into someone while still trying to maintain control of the situation. I’m a little bit of a control freak (surprise, surprise) so of course this is hard.
Everything actually feels right and it terrifies me. I don’t think I know how to deal with a man who actually treats me right and who is emotionally available to me. I’ve gotten really good at choosing and sticking with emotionally unavailable men or men who I’m just comfortable with, even when I know they’re no good for me. I’ve been doing this dating/love thing wrong for so long that I don’t really know how to respond when things are actually right. This new thing I’m involved in feels easy, it’s almost effortless. To me, it almost seems too easy. I read a quote the other day that really sums up my previous love/relationship experiences:
“I don’t want normal and easy and simple. I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love”
It’s almost like if I don’t have some type of major struggle with a person, I can’t fully believe in what I’m feeling. Like, if they don’t have some type of major flaw for me to work with or work on, they’re too perfect…too good to be true.
Falling for someone should be extraordinary and life-changing but it shouldn’t be painful. I’m learning that falling in love can be easy and it should be fun, not difficult.
Maybe I’m jumping the gun a little bit, but I have certain fears that keep coming up/forcing their way into my mind:
-I’m not ready (when do you feel ready after a long term relationship?)
-Am I moving too fast?
-What if I don’t really like him the way I think that I do, what if I just like the idea of him
-Falling for the wrong person (what if he’s a liar, what if he’s controlling, what if my friends/family don’t like him, what if he only wants sex, etc.)
-What if I still wanna date other people after things get serious?
-What if I drive him away with my crazy? (what if I reveal too much too soon, what if I give him too much attention too soon, what if he thinks I’m needy, etc.)
-Getting hurt (what if I put a lot of time, effort and emotion into someone, get excited about him, open up to him, introduce him to the people who are important to me and he breaks my heart)
-Making the same mistakes, repeating the past (I have a one divorce limit)
I’m currently trying to figure out how to have fun during the dating process while being smart and making good decisions. It’s turning out to be more difficult than I thought. I’m definitely missing high school right about now. Things were simpler then. Oh well, I’ll get it right eventually….hopefully before I’m old and grey.
P.S. I really like him. Don’t tell him I said that. 🙂
“Damn, why did I text him that?”
“Should I call him?”
We’ve all been here before. We’ve all been to that place where we’re questioning every move we make with someone new. Sometimes it’s hard to find that balance between giving too much attention and not giving enough.
It always seems easy not to do too much when you’re not yet sure how you feel about the person. But in my experience, once you decide that you do actually have feelings for that person, you start to lose your mind a little bit. People always say that you should let the guy chase because men love to chase, right? But it’s hard to do that once I realize that I share his feelings. I just get so excited…I wanna make sure he knows I want him just as much as he wants me. Suddenly I forget everything I’ve been told…I disregard all the rules. Who made these stupid rules anyway?
On the flip side, sometimes I give the impression that I’m not interested at all when I really am. I’ve been told that I can be kind of cold. I think it’s just my way of trying to protect myself. Initially I don’t want to give too much and invest too much in someone emotionally, because what if it doesn’t work out?? I don’t like to feel stupid. And I definitely don’t like to be hurt.
The cold hearted person in me also often takes issue with the man who seemingly gives too much attention in the beginning of a courtship. I find myself wondering what his motives are. Is he desperate? Is he just trying ok have sex with me? Is he being genuine? I often think that he can’t possibly be as interested in me as he seems. That’s probably a result of my insecurities and low self esteem. So I almost always push this type of man away….only a man who is truly persistent will get me to let my guard down.
So how do you find that balance? How do you keep yourself from calling him every hour on the hour or completely shutting down because you don’t wanna seem desperate? How much is too much? I really need to know…
How do I even describe the way you made me feel? The fantasizing…the flirting…the quick glances…the long stares…the stolen touches…the final night…all unforgettable. It started with a taste for something sweet. You always seemed to have a sweet tooth. I offered you something sweet and it was an offer you couldn’t refuse.
The nights leading up to that night were good….but I don’t know if my words can do justice to how amazing that final night was. I must say, you caught me by surprise. The kiss. The compliments. The touching. None of those things could have revealed what you had in store for me that night.
Our clothes come off pretty quickly and soon I am on the desk. I can’t wait to feel you inside me. That first couple minutes, when you’re easing inside me, taking your time, slowly pushing in…..they feel so damn good. I never told you this, but I love the first couple minutes. In those minutes, I begin to feel all the pent up sexual frustration come out. You fuck me for a while on top of that desk but soon I want more. It’s time for me to be in control. I sit you on that chair and ride your dick like it’s my job. Even though I’m on top and “in control”, I do everything you tell me to do while I’m riding you. There’s something about your confidence that makes me wanna do everything you say. I know you can get bored quickly if you’re doing the same thing for too long. So it isn’t long until you’re behind me…pulling me into you. You give it to me hard, fast and rough. You know I like it rough, right? By this time, I am so turned on that I will let you do anything to me. Next thing you know, I’m bent over the desk and feeling your tongue on my pussy. Before this night, I never felt your tongue move as fast as it did nor have I ever felt it move in and out of me the way it did. I kinda feel cheated. But I guess I’ll forgive you for that. That tongue of yours….damn…that’s the only word I have for it right now. Apparently when you put that tongue and those lips all over my pussy, your dick gets even harder. And I love I hard dick. We fuck some more on that desk until you decide that you want that hard dick in my mouth. I don’t protest of course. As I put you inside my mouth, I wonder how I can turn you on even more. I lick and I suck and I get it real wet….it feels good in my mouth. Damn. That dick. After that dick is good and wet and you are more turned on than ever, you enter me again. Soon we are on our way to our final destination for the night, the table. This table isn’t new to us, but it feels different on this night. I’m ready for you to fuck me like you’ve never fucked me before and you don’t disappoint. I know the end is near, but I’m ready for it. You fuck me and fuck me and fuck me and I can feel your excitement building. I love that. I can’t wait to make you cum….
It’s all over and I don’t even know where the time went. Like I said, my words can’t even do justice to the way you made me feel that night. My pussy is sore and I am more exhausted than ever. But it was most definitely worth it. My mind may not remember every single detail of that night but my pussy sure does.
By the way, I think you redeemed yourself ; )
This will probably make me sound conceited, but I am no stranger to getting male attention. Men are really interested in me for some reason. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don’t. But I almost never seek this attention.
So of course, with my luck, my ability to attract male attention is turning me into the office whore. Because every single man at my workplace seems to be interested in me right now, people think I am definitely fucking them all. I kinda wish I was fucking them now…then maybe the rumors wouldn’t be so bad.
When I first started working at this place, people barely paid any attention to me. Most people didn’t even know my last name until like 6 months into my employment. And I was ok with that. I was perfectly fine with not being the center of attention. I don’t know what the hell happened but slowly but surely, men started coming out of the woodworks confessing their feelings for me. This made no sense to me…it still doesn’t really make much sense to me. I barely wear makeup at work. I really don’t deviate much from business casual attire. I am not as outspoken as the rest of my employees. I don’t get it. Why are these men so into me right now? Is it this nice girl thing that I have going on? Is it curiosity? I don’t know what it is. But I do know that I would prefer not to be the subject of office gossip.
What the hell am I doing wrong? How do I get some of the attention off of me? Somebody please help me because if I don’t figure this out soon, this is gonna be one long summer…
Men aren’t really as particular as women when it comes to sex. Most of the time, they’re just happy to be getting some. But, that doesn’t mean that they’ll settle for just anything. A while back, I wrote a post for men about the things they do (or don’t do) in bed that really bother us. Well ladies, now it’s our turn. I surveyed several men and they were very clear about the things that they don’t want from us…and I’ll admit, they made some good points. What do you think, Ladies? Men, did I forget anything?
Do not brag to your man about how good your sex/head game is if you don’t plan to follow through. It better be as good as you say it is.
And speaking of head game, if you know you’re bad at giving oral sex, just don’t do it.
Be on top of your personal hygiene. Make sure it’s smelling nice and looking right…I mean, it doesn’t have to be perfect but he will notice if you haven’t been taking care of yourself.
Don’t push him off when he’s trying to go deeper. Relax and enjoy yourself.
He loves it when you get on top, but don’t overstay your welcome…give him back the control.
Don’t be afraid to switch it up every once and a while, you don’t want to bore him.
But, don’t change positions every 5 minutes…it’s sex, not circuit training.
It’s ok to fuck every once and a while. It doesn’t have to be a passionate love-making session every time.
Don’t put anything near his butt or introduce any sex toys (to be used on him), unless he has already expressed interest in these things. You probably won’t like his response.
Don’t stroke him after he’s climaxed…he’s too sensitive.
And finally, don’t lie there like a dead fish. Don’t be lazy…have fun!
The New Year is here, and it’s only right that I take the time to reflect on the things that 2012 has brought to my relationships. Relationship-wise, 2012 has been my most challenging year; the events of this year have had me questioning a lot of things and people, especially myself. Thankfully, I’ve emerged with some lessons learned. These are just a few things that this crazy year has made clear for me:
Men are generally pretty straightforward with their intentions…you just have to be paying attention.
Refusing to give a person a 3rd, 4th or 5th chance isn’t giving up…sometimes you just have to walk away.
When it comes to relationships, fresh starts are scary but sometimes necessary.
Just because it’s familiar, doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for you. Sometimes a person is just meant to be a friend.
Honesty really is the best policy…lies make everything harder in the long run.
Sometimes it’s really difficult to have a friend of the opposite sex (especially if he/she is attractive), but it’s not impossible
I don’t have any new year’s resolutions for my love life. I just hope I continue to learn and grow. I’ve reached some real lows this year so I guess things can only get better from here.